View Full Version : I am so sorry

07-26-2010, 09:45 AM
Excerpt from "Warmachine: Retaliation," published 2011 by Privateer Press.

"In the name of the Goddess, I shall punish you!" Ravyn screamed. She raised Hellebore to the sky, arcane energy flickering down the length of the ancient gun-blade. "SCYRAH SNIPER ELIMINATOR!" she screamed. A bolt of green-blue energy blazed from her hands and exploded among the Satyxis, detonating in a blast of sparkling energy that caused her short skirt to fly up most fetchingly, revealing her pure white panties.

She didn't notice the Helldiver tunneling towards her until it was too late. The foul beast burst from the ground and grabbed at her ankles, tearing her brightly colored clothing and throwing her to the ground. She screamed and closed her eyes as the beast lunged forward, slavering jaws wide open, only to be impaled to the ground by a heavy steel spear. Strong arms swept her up into the saddle of a horse and carried her away. "Be careful," said the mysterious masked man in the top hat and cape, as he deposited her safely on the roof of the high school. "I can't be there to protect you forever." He flew away into the night sky, leaving Ravyn wondering why she never saw him in the same place as that tiresome nerd Skyreth Issyen.

Meanwhile, Dawnlord Vyros was facing off against Goreshade on the roof of the burning Tower of Lacyr. "You fool, growled the Eldritch Lord, as he raised his massive seven-loot long sword in his gnarled hands. "You don't know what you're doing!"

"I know what you're doing is WRONG!" roared the one-eyed elf. "You can't save our people by walking down a road bathed in the blood of the innocent!"

"There is no innocence! There is only fate! Don't stand in my way, or I'll finish what I started with your eye!"


"THEN DIE!" screamed Goreshade, "DIE LIKE THE WEAK FOOLS YOU WOULD DIE TO PROTECT!" He rushed forward, his sword flashing a sickly green, pounding back the Dawnlord with powerful scything blows of his blade. There was a sickening crack, and Vyros' sword shattered into a hundred glowing shards. Goreshade laughed in triumph and swung down with his sword, only for his moment of victory to be suddenly halted by a massive curved blade interposed between him and his prey. A battered Phoenix Myrmidon stood, hunched protectively over its master, pure white armor shattered and broken in a hundred pieces. "Impossible!" gasped Goreshade. "That jack was a wreck marker!"

"Phoenix has a strong soul," Vyros whispered, getting to his feet, "and nothing can wreck that, not even your dragon god!" He raised his hand, and the broken pieces of his sword rose from the ground, reforming into a blazing blue-green blade of pure energy. "This is the dawning of a new age, a morning that will see the world rid of evil. That's what it means to be a dawnlord! That's what it means to be the Talon of Dawn!"

"Nonsense! Now die in the fires of the Dragon Lord Toruk!" howled Goreshade, and he hurled a white-hot blast of flame at the young Dawnlord and his faithful warjack.

"Oh my goddess!" screamed a random Arcanist. "He's hitting Vyros with a blast as powerful as the fires of creation themselves!"

"It looks bad," agreed Rahn, "but it'll take more than that to kill him!"

A moment later, Vyros and his Phoenix emerged from the flames, combined into a single ten-foot tall entity of pure energy. "EAT THIS!" Vyros screamed. "KILLING STRIKE, PERFECT EXECUTION!"

Meanwhile, far away, in the skies above the frozen wastes of Khador, Kaelyssa stood floating in mid-air on an arcane circle of glowing runes. "Zerkova-chan," she asked, "Won't you tell me what you're trying to do?"

"You'd never understand!" Zerkova said, and threw Razor Wind at Kaelyssa.

"I'm trying to talk to you, why won't you listen! Fine, I'll just have to beat you up until you do listen!" the young warcaster shouted.



You know, when I mentioned that fans were complaining that Retribution was "too anime" and we might want to look into doing something about it, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind.


07-26-2010, 09:18 PM
That's hilarious! The Retribution of Manga...

08-02-2010, 05:20 AM
omg this is amazing, MORE PLEASE! PLEASE!

09-03-2010, 01:39 AM
Brilliant! I havn't laughed that hard in ages.

09-03-2010, 04:19 AM
The note at the end from Matt was the perfect finish. Gave this whole thing - which was already awesome - a 10x multiplier, at least.

And, I'm sorry, but someone has to say it:

His Pow on that spell - IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!

It's got giant robots, right? Not enough drills.

10-29-2010, 07:27 AM

I think Doug might still be bitter about the rejection of his Retribution fluff piece for "Retaliation." Take a look at what he submitted for Metempsychosis.


Excerpt from Hordes: Metempsychosis, published 2012 by Privateer Press

"Thaaagrosh-kun!" Saeryn complained, sidling up to the Prophet of Everblight and hugging him around the neck from behind. "Let's go home together!"

"Quit that!" Rhyas shouted, grabbing her twin and trying to pull her off. All she accomplished was dragging the two other Athanc-bearers to the ground, causing Saeryn's skirt to hike up most fetchingly, revealing a flash of pure white panties. "You're bothering the Messiah!"

"Oh ho ho ho ho!" Vayl cackled, holding up her hand to her mouth in the Proper Psycho Japanese Rich Bi--h posture. "I can see that the lowly peasants are rolling around on the ground where they deserve!"

"Mouuuuuuuuuu!" Saeryn whined, puffing her cheeks out. "Vayl-san is so mean!"

"WON'T ALL OF YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!?" Thagrosh screamed in frustration. He turned and ran out of the school, dragging Saeryn behind him, only to collide with a tall, elegant looking girl accompanied by a hideous serpentine warbeast.

". . . oh my gosh, it's BETHAYNE-sama!" gasped Saeryn. "You just ran into the new transfer student!"

Bethayne silently picked herself up, dusting off her short sailor uniform. Holding her bookbag in front of her, she bowed deeply, then turned and walked away, her blasphemous dragon-spawn pet following close behind her.

"She's so mysterious," sighed Saeryn. "They say she never talks."

"Then why do they call her the Voice of the High School?" Thagrosh wondered.

"Because she has a beautiful singing voice!" Saeryn explained.

"There's something wrong with that statement, and I can't put my finger on it," Thagrosh sighed, a huge drop of sweat running down his horned ogrun head.

Meanwhile, on the rooftop of the school PE storage room, surrounded by cherry blossoms, two girls were having a heart to heart conversation.

"Please don't look at me," Absylonia whispered, hiding behind her bookbag. "I'm hideous."

"But your wings are beautiful," Lylyth whispered, putting her hand to the blighted elf's face. "I don't need eyes to see that."

And then they kissed.



This is an intervention. You need help.


10-29-2010, 08:08 AM
Lol. You're not supposed to make me laugh that hard at work. I've already got that "crazy intern" label because of my Halloween decorations.

11-01-2010, 12:27 AM
Soo much coffee spittle to clean off my keyboard. And so worth it.

Just awesome.

11-01-2010, 09:00 AM
"Oh ho ho ho ho!" Vayl cackled, holding up her hand to her mouth in the Proper Psycho Japanese Rich Bi--h posture. "I can see that the lowly peasants are rolling around on the ground where they deserve!"


THAT was my favorite. I couldn't stop laughing! :D

11-04-2010, 09:05 AM
*facepalm* This is just too good. Keep adding to it!

11-04-2010, 09:47 PM

This makes me feel like playing Retribution and Everblight even more; darn you amusing fellow.

Other than that

*2 thumbs up and sparkling teeth pose*

11-05-2010, 09:42 AM
<CAPS> I demand more of this now! Appease me! </CAPS>

11-05-2010, 11:33 AM
I just took a shower and I'm still not sure I'll ever be able to get this off of me.

11-06-2010, 12:34 AM
This thread is even more brilliant than that flash of pure white panties!

jr caster
11-06-2010, 07:23 AM
please do more there really good

11-07-2010, 09:48 PM
awesome thinking , love the way you build it . keep up the good work , expecting more :D

12-11-2010, 02:23 PM
transfer student...very clever

09-09-2011, 03:15 PM

In retrospect, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to let Doug watch an entire 12 hour marathon of **DATA EXPUNGED** over the Labor Day weekend. Look at what he submitted as the fluff piece for Devastatation


Excerpt from Warmachine: Devastation, published 2013 by Privateer Press.

"It's too late!" the evil sorcerer Deesee cackled, as he raised his dice, the evil cubes glowing with a jet black aura. "You fell right into my trap! Now, witness the power of CRYX! TERMINUS POPS FEAT!"

Over and over, the eldritch cubes (carved from the skulls of babies and painted with the blood of seals) fell. Over and over, the horrid numbers came up. Trenchers and Stormblades died under the dark blades of the Bane Thralls. "Now, you see the futility of trying to resist the Dragonfather!" Deesee laughed maniacally. "Terminus is sitting on TWELVE SOUL TOKENS, which puts him at OVER NINE THOUSAND ARMOR! I END MY TURN!"

"Oh jeez," Ron gasped. "That's not good at all! Deesee's just won this match!"

"Oh, Doogie!" Jen sniffed, pressing her knuckles to her mouth. "To have come all this way, only to fail now! That's just too sad!"

"No," a low voice whispered. "It's not over yet."

"Matt Wilson!" Ron gasped. "You're out of the hospital!?"

"Yes," Matt Wilson said, as his sexily dressed trio of all-female assistants wheeled him into the room. "Despite the wounds suffered from the exploding holographic game table in the semi-finals, I could not rest in my hospital bed while the tournament still continued. And despite how bad it looks, Doogie still has a chance!"

"But how!?" Ron exclaimed. "Terminus is sitting on too many souls. There's no WAY Doogie can break THAT armor! He needs to fall back and tank up, but there's not enough time left in the game. There's no way to win!"

"Yes, there is," Matt Wilson insisted. "All that matters is if Doogie sees it. . . and he can trust his dice."

Down on the holographic gaming arena, Doogie clenched his fists. "I. . . I don't know if I can do this," he thought to himself. "Terminus is just too strong. . . I've. . . I've lost!"

"DOOGIE!" a brash young voice echoed in his mind. "Do you really mean to come this far only to quit now?"

"Stryker!" Doogie gasped. Standing in front of him was the ghostly image of a tall young man with flame-red hair, dressed in ornate steampunk warcaster armor.

"You know what you need to do!" Stryker declared. "Everything rests on this! The game, the tournament, and the soul of your grandfather! Think of the journey we've taken together! Do you really intend to quit now?"

"But. . . but if this fails, you'll die!"

"I'm willing to take that risk. You've trusted me throughout this entire tournament. Now I'm putting my trust in you! DO IT!"

"ALL RIGHT! I WILL!" Doogie shouted, as the entire world around him dissolved into a dynamic sequence of speedlines and stars. "Deesee, you made ONE Mistake, and now you will LOSE! I begin my turn, and Stryker allocates NO FOCUS!"

A loud gasp echoed through the cavernous arena. "No focus!" the idiotic Deesee gasped. "But that would mean. . . no, that's impossible!"

"STRYKER ACTIVATES AND CASTS VELOCITY!" Doogie screamed. "This puts you in charge range. . . and now I declare a charge!"



"But it's not yet over!" the cowardly and egomaniacal Deesee laughed. "If you overload for three dice, Stryker will take three dice of damage himself! And at only five pips, there is over a 90% chance Stryker will die!"

"Chances are for wusses, nancy-boys, and sissies! Real wargamers trust in the heart of their dice! Overload backlash, go!"

The dice fell. . . and a gasp echoed throughout the entire room as the three silver cubes came up one. . . one. . . two.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" the ugly and evil monster Deesee hissed.

"Nothing is impossible when you play like you have a pair! STRYKER! ATTACK!"


I see you're still bitter about that game. Admit it, you lost fair and square.


09-15-2011, 07:47 AM
Oh how I love it when you post these. xD

09-15-2011, 02:32 PM
Comedy gold.

09-15-2011, 05:19 PM
Argh, you fried my brain with funny!