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themocaw
09-08-2010, 07:30 AM
Lieutenant Alistair Caine was in the middle of shaving one morning when he heard a soft cough and a hooded elf woman dropped down from the trees and landed in front of him on one knee. He sighed, put down his razor, and picked up his handkerchief instead, pressing it to the nick under his chin. "Eiryss," he said. "Report."

"I've returned from reconnoitering the area," the elven mercenary explained, "and I've found something you might want to know about. There is a warcaster in command of a small strike force coming down the road in the opposite direction. They'll reach us in about an hour."

"We can't afford to be bogged down," Caine decided quickly. "We're a covert strike force, we shouldn't even be in the area. Tell the men to get packed up immediately. We're going to fade into the woods and wait for them to pass by."

"I understand, sir," Eiryss said. The elf ducked her head and turned towards the camp. Something about the way she moved caught Caine's attention, and he reached out and grabbed her by the upper arm.

"Just one moment, Eiryss," he interrupted. "Who's the opposing warcaster?"

Eiryss grimaced. "I'm afraid you're not going to like this."

"Just tell me."

The elf sighed. "The opposing warcaster is. . . Lieutenant Alistair Caine."

-----
"Sir," Eiryss said. "We seem to have a problem."

"Hm?" Lieutenant Alistair Caine looked up from his maps and flinched in surprise. Standing in the middle of the road in front of them was a Cygnaran contingent of Gun Mages and Long Gunners, flanked by two light warjacks. Standing in front of them was a tall man in warcaster armor holding a white flag. "Oh, crap," he muttered. "What the hell is going on here? We're supposed to be the only Cygnarans working in the area."

"Apparently not, sir," Eiryss sighed. "And you're REALLY not going to like it when I tell you who the warcaster is."

"Oh no," Caine groaned. "Let me guess. . ."

"Yep," Eiryss said. "It's you."

"All right," Caine muttered. "Let's get this over with."

A few minutes later, the two Caines were standing at the crossroads, glowering at each other, teeth clenched, while their strike forces stood a respectful distance away, watching and waiting.

"You know," Caine growled, "impersonating a CRS officer is a capital crime."

"Aha!" Caine said, grinning. "You're the imposter! A real CRS officer would never reveal that they're a CRS officer to anyone!"

"Not even themselves?" Caine grinned.

"You kind of have a point there," Caine admitted. "But, it's clear I'm the real Caine. I am, after all, in charge of the legendary Black 13th!" He gestured to the three gun mages taking a break on the side of the hill.

"I'm in charge of the legendary Black 13th," Caine said, pointing to the three gun mages lurking in the forest, drawing a bead on the strange tableau.

"Damn. . . well, I snogged the Duchess of Carpatria last night!" Caine said. "Everyone knows that Caine is the greatest womanizer of all time!"

"Did that last month, and her three daughters too, one after the other, then all at once," Caine bragged.

"Oh, that's just bull****!" Caine shouted. "Quit making up ****!"

"**** YOU AND **** THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON, YOU ****ING MONKEY!" Caine screamed.

"Oh, that's it! It is ON now!" Caine roared back. "Let's settle this the old-fashioned way!" He turned and ran back up the hill towards his strike force. "Major Watkins! Prepare to attack!" he shouted to his Trencher captain.

"Allenby! Close ranks! Prepare to open fire!" Caine shouted, as he ran down the hill towards his Long Gunners.

There was a long moment of awkward silence.

"No, sir," Watkins said.

"Blow it out your rear end, sir," Allenby retorted.

The two Caines paused, blinking in surprise. "You are disobeying direct orders!" Caine growled.

"Say that again and I'll blow your head off!" Caine snapped.

"Sir," Allenby said. "When I joined the military, I took an oath to defend my country from all threats foreign and domestic. That oath said nothing about gunning down fellow Cygnaran soldiers so that some warcaster could settle a dispute with his identical twin."

"That's right, sir," Watkins said, crossing his arms. "You're just going to have to settle this between the two of you."

"WELL, HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!?" the two Caines shouted in unison.

Allenby snapped his fingers. "I know! Everyone knows that Caine is the fastest shot in Immoren! Why don't the two of you have a shootout?"

"Yeah!" Watkins agreed. "I mean, it's not like you'll kill each other. You DO have power fields, you know."

The two Caines looked at each other, then scratched their chins. "You know, that's not a horrible idea," Caine said.

"Sure. So the one who wins gets to be Caine, and the other one gets to be. . ."

". . . Caine's double! Sent by the CRS to throw his enemies off the track!" Caine decided.

"Sounds good! All right, let's go!"

The two warcasters walked out into the center of the road and threw back their coats. They glared at each other for a moment and then, as if by some unseen signal, simultaneously drew their pistols and fired.

Both of them hit the ground, dead, at the same time.

"Treachery!" Allenby screamed. "The enemy has stabbed our leader in the back!"

"Kill the false Cynarans!" Watkins howled. "Don't let them get away!"

Thirty minutes later, there was nothing left except a bunch of dead guys in blue uniforms laying on the road. In the fracas, no one noticed the crossbow bolts sticking out of the two Caine's bodies: one in the lower back, the other in the ankle.

Eiryss emerged from the shadows and surveyed her handiwork with satisfaction. "Two warcasters, six gun mages, and a good double handful of troops," she said, grinning. "Not bad for a day's work."

"Not bad at all," Eiryss said, stabbing her sword through a Cygnaran's neck to finish him off.

There was a brief pause. The two Eirysses stared at each other for a moment, their hands tightening around their weapons.

Then one of them grinned and sheathed her sword. "Wanna go get some coffee?" she asked.

"Sure, if you're buying," the other one said, putting away her crossbow.

And so they walked off into the sunset together.

K. Irusk
09-14-2010, 12:50 AM
This is quite funny.
Will you be making more? Or a kind of sequel?

themocaw
09-15-2010, 07:09 AM
This is quite funny.
Will you be making more? Or a kind of sequel?

Thanks. Probably not a direct sequel, but if I come across more in-game situations that are hilarious in retrospect, I'd certainly write another.

SpiralingCadaver
09-16-2010, 02:31 PM
Just read your other piece before this one. Nice writing on both, I like the flow- I may start checking the fan fic page more than once in a blue moon.

Paul Haris
05-17-2011, 10:18 PM
Good ending in the end and if it would be me then i must have chosen the same way and would do the same as he did and it is a good one and nice writing here. Good post..